The song

This morning I was getting ready to go down into the 'city', innocently listening to Adelaide's Life FM. Then they told me something about air piano fingers of Vannessa Carlton, and then, I heard it, the song.

I practically flew accross my bedroom to change the station. I hate this song a lot. It's a great song, but the memories it brings back are rather painful.

I can remember it so clearly, this song playing on the radio. It was raining, and we left from under the car park, I was in the back seat of my mums car. I was 15. I looked behind back at the hospital I'd just visited, as my mum excellerated down the busy North terrace in Adelaide. Rain was falling on the window as I looked back, and saw the hospital dissapear from my sight, this music playing making the scene ever so much more memorable. I didn't know that this would be the last time I would see her.

The next week she took a turn for the worst. My mother rushed back to this hospital to be by her side, while I was staying at a friends house. I didn't know how to deal with such grief and the possibility of her passing away just didn't seem real. It still doesn't.

My mother rang to tell me it was just a matter of time now until she passed away. I just sat in my friends lounge room, feeling rather numb to the possibility. That song begins to play again, as it was a backing track for a commercial for Blue Heelers. It seemed that this add was on every ad break. Because of its repetition it stuck so clearly in my mind.

I went to bed on my friends floor that night, staring at the ceiling, but trying to pray, not sure what exactly to pray: do I ask God for a miracle? I remember pouring myself right into God that night just praying so hard that I could somehow get some sleep. I remember it so clearly, my friend was asleep, and in my mind I was praying "Thankyou God that You hold her life in Your hands.." and as I prayed that, I heard their house phone ring, and instantly I knew. It would be THE phone call. I didn't hesitate, and just got up. I heard my friends mum answer the phone and say, "oh no.." I got up, and smiled like a dog that was about to get a treat as she handed me the phone. My mum's words were like arrows that hit me right in the heart,

"Sammy, Grandma's just passed away..."

I cried, but it was one of the rare occasions I did. I didn't like to show emotion in front of anybody. That song began to be so loud in my eyes, adding to all of the emotion.

It has been nearly five years, and it still hurts like the day she passed away.

It still doesn't feel real. I miss you...

dalam dunia lain

I know I often talk about Victoria being like a different world, but really, it feels like it is for me, because home is so far away, and I don't get to go there much.

Last night, I was looking for a phone number in my phone, and I went past 'G' and there was the mobile number for my Grandpa. The stupid thing is this all doesn't feel real. I feel like I will go home and things will be just like they were when I left in 2005. Wrong. People change, the kids have grown up, the emo population has increased.

Last year my grandpa became very unwell. The doctors weren't exactly sure what was wrong with him. He became unwell one day and ended up in a hospital. Next I knew, my mum was calling me, to tell me he was in intensive care in Adelaide and had had a stroke. I rushed to Adelaide to see him, he made progress while I was there. But I can't handle Adelaide. I hate the place to tell you the truth. He had gotten a bit better when I arrived, but out of this I couldnt stand seeing him like he was. With tubes going all places. I was convinced he was going to get better. He didn't. On the 20th of November, 2006, he died. The day before my 20th birthday, the day I was mugged.

It hurt, and I know that he was old. I know his time was up. But I miss him so much.

My mum calls me to tell me all of what's happening as a result of him not being around anymore. But it just doesn't feel real. It feels like some bizarre story going on in another galaxy. I feel like if I called his number he'd pick up. I feel like if I went home he'd be there, with a new computer problem for me to fix. When I go to his grave, it just seems like Grandma's there, not Grandma and Grandpa. It just doesn't seem real, and it has been quite a while now.

When he died, there was this song freshly on the radio. Whenever I hear this song I often feel a little sad. It comes up and I realise I'm not over it.

It was on in the SU the other day. And I just wanted to run away, but Steff and I were waiting for someone. While the song was playing I just stared at this grain of salt on the table with my perfect vision, and I could feel the tears swelling up in my eyes. Steff asked me something and then I managed to compose myself and concentrate on what she was saying to me and get my mind off it.

I have days when I'm fine. I have days when I know that he'd be proud of me. I have days when I miss him like crazy, and it just doesnt seem real.

I live in another world. And it's bizarre.