dalam dunia lain

I know I often talk about Victoria being like a different world, but really, it feels like it is for me, because home is so far away, and I don't get to go there much.

Last night, I was looking for a phone number in my phone, and I went past 'G' and there was the mobile number for my Grandpa. The stupid thing is this all doesn't feel real. I feel like I will go home and things will be just like they were when I left in 2005. Wrong. People change, the kids have grown up, the emo population has increased.

Last year my grandpa became very unwell. The doctors weren't exactly sure what was wrong with him. He became unwell one day and ended up in a hospital. Next I knew, my mum was calling me, to tell me he was in intensive care in Adelaide and had had a stroke. I rushed to Adelaide to see him, he made progress while I was there. But I can't handle Adelaide. I hate the place to tell you the truth. He had gotten a bit better when I arrived, but out of this I couldnt stand seeing him like he was. With tubes going all places. I was convinced he was going to get better. He didn't. On the 20th of November, 2006, he died. The day before my 20th birthday, the day I was mugged.

It hurt, and I know that he was old. I know his time was up. But I miss him so much.

My mum calls me to tell me all of what's happening as a result of him not being around anymore. But it just doesn't feel real. It feels like some bizarre story going on in another galaxy. I feel like if I called his number he'd pick up. I feel like if I went home he'd be there, with a new computer problem for me to fix. When I go to his grave, it just seems like Grandma's there, not Grandma and Grandpa. It just doesn't seem real, and it has been quite a while now.

When he died, there was this song freshly on the radio. Whenever I hear this song I often feel a little sad. It comes up and I realise I'm not over it.

It was on in the SU the other day. And I just wanted to run away, but Steff and I were waiting for someone. While the song was playing I just stared at this grain of salt on the table with my perfect vision, and I could feel the tears swelling up in my eyes. Steff asked me something and then I managed to compose myself and concentrate on what she was saying to me and get my mind off it.

I have days when I'm fine. I have days when I know that he'd be proud of me. I have days when I miss him like crazy, and it just doesnt seem real.

I live in another world. And it's bizarre.