I see love

Today I was surprised by the visit of Steff and Stoz. It was a tad embarrassing with the state of my room was in. Steff borrowed some paint so that she could replace the stolen painting (Im so discusted about that), meanwhile Stoz fiddled with some cat5e and my computer, and the pair of them tried to persuade Mish over MSN to come to camp. When they left I walked them out to the retro-stoz-mobile in my socks. I love walking in socks. It makes me feel like frolicing.

I have this new way to procrastinate. I've been searching through a lot of youtube lately. I blame this newfound procrastination form highly on this. Matthew Lawton you're in so much trouble for making me not do my homework. Nah, I love you mate! Note to self, blog about this.

Earlier today, I found the video clip to a song that makes me laugh. And to one that makes feel like crying.

But the video clip that had the most impact on me was this one, which I will post here for you.




This stired so many emotions. Its a pretty generic clip, but having the words there just put it out there for me. There were tears streaming down my face. I want to describe here but its just so indescribable how this made me feel. I guess we have so many different visualisations of who Jesus was, and he was many things. But the greatest of these was love (1 cor 13:13). Love. You may have to do a stupid presentation for uni, or help someone find something at work. But to do something for a friend for love is different. I want to emphasise something here but can't I just cant bring the words to say what I want to.

Earlier this arvo, after a trek to the market place, I went for a drive up to one tree hill. Its so thereputic to go up there. I love it and I wish I could just feel safe up there. Its a tad freaky. But I like it, it'd be really cool to go there and have a small group or something.. Or even a double date eh Steff?

Currently in the oven is a Chicken Florentine cooking. Ive never had one before, I hope I like it. I decided to listen to some kutless on my now oldschool discman while I prepared it. I was putting the rubbish out when I noticed that it was really beautiful outside and went for a walk around (May I add again in my socks). This was while listening to this song...

Kutless - Finding who we are

In You we're living
In You we're moving
In You we're finding who we are

In You we're living
In You we're moving
In You we're finding who we are

And I worship You
Father of lights, spirit of truth
And I worship You
Jesus, we call on You, yes we call on You

In You we're living
In You we're moving
In You we're finding who we are

In You we're living
In You we're moving
In You we're finding who we are

And I worship You
Father of lights, spirit of truth
And I worship You
Jesus, we call on You, yes we call on You

And I worship You
Father of lights, spirit of truth
And I worship You
Jesus, we call on You, yes we call on You

We come to worship with our voices
And know the love within Your skies
We lift our hands and seek Your presence
And find ourselves in who You are

And I worship You
Father of lights, spirit of truth
And I worship You
Jesus, we call on You, yes we call on You

And I worship You
Father of lights, spirit of truth
And I worship You
Jesus, we call on You, yes we call on You

The song really sums up how I'm feeling at this point in time. Finally, Im getting a glimpse of who I really am.

Taking off the blind fold

Most of you would know (if not, where have you been?) that I have an anxiety problem. At the start of the year I was in a really bad state, where I sometimes felt like I couldnt leave the terrace, not even feeling free from the anxiety if I did stay there. I was a mess. I began to seek councilling, which indeed was useful, it taught me strategies and that the world is not so bad after all. In the end I was advised to go on an anti-depressant type drug, however for a number of reasons I chose not to take it. I needed to give God another chance with this one.

Anxiety (and I guess depression as well) can be like a blind fold. It covers your eyes so you loose a sense of perception. You no longer can think rationally because everything in your mind is consumed with absolutely horrible thoughts.

A few months ago, I decided that it would be a good idea to start going to church again. I decided to give my best friends' church of christ a go. This church isnt anything special. Well, it is in a way, but you know what I mean. It was a church that had a style more like my own. They sometimes sung hymns at their services, which bring back memories of my "first love" for God. After a year and a half of feeling distant, and cut off from God, I decided that enough was enough.

By getting into this church has been one of my better decisions. Just one week ago, I felt like I was brought back to God like never before. A number of things have been hitting my heart.

This 'closeness' I now feel to God again is really fantastic. I feel like I can pray again, and, you know what, a month ago I was contemplating getting the script for those pills from the doctor. I feel like I can talk to God about anything. I feel this incredible sense of healing in my life at the moment.

In fact it was today, at uni this hit me. I have the tendancy to daydream, and just think in classes. Today, I was sitting in Art, the topic was childrens development. Then in my thought pattern I thought to myself that something had been lifted, I hadnt really had anywhere near the amount of panic attacks I had one month ago. Then I just felt this incredible feeling of healing. There and then I felt so happy. I almost cried. I think I may have a little.

In saying this all, I in no way want to encourage people to not go on anti-depressants. There are cases where they are going to help people. Just keep in mind seek first the kingdom of God - 2 chronicles 18:32-34.

I guess Im just feeling a bit overwhelmed and awestruck about this. I think this is really wonderful. But the problem is, Satan loves to try and prove me wrong. Note try.

Just to finish, what the bible says about anxiety:

• Psalm 94:19 - When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.
  
• Ecclesiastes 11:10 - So then, banish anxiety from your heart and cast off the troubles of your body, for youth and vigor are meaningless.
• 1 Peter 5:7 - Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

darkness

This morning I go to make a cup of tea. Half way through the kettle boiling there is a dead black out. The power tried to go back on again but everything then went. So much for breakfast.

I woke up the RA (this is about 8:30 am) and he stumbles out of bed, and Im pretty sure he hates me right now. (origionally I just thought something surged in the terrace).

Got to uni and the power was off there as well, meaning it must have been a uni/suburb/city wide thing. It was rather freaky, going in the education building when it was pitch black. In fact, I sprinted through the hall and up the stairs cos it was so scary!

Then it came on and I had to go to class, what a shame.

In Pinnaroo, we used to have black outs that were just a bit less than frequent. The problem was is places like Murray Bridge and and so on would be out, so the workers would fix everywhere before Pinnaroo, meaning we'd go without power for up to 20 hours. One day it was 22 hours. It brought families together. Jess and I used to play cards, or light heaps of candles. It also meant take-away for tea, because all the appliences in our house are run on electricity. So that makes that "Pinnaroo has no running water or electricity" line quite valid indeed.